Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
