I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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