I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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