He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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