you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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