I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
