Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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