I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize