i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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