couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
