Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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