If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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