I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
