I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
