I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
