I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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