Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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