Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
