I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
