I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
