Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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