i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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