Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
