I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
