I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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