I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i wish my penis had a tongue
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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