matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
