I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
