Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
this just has baby written all over it
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
