Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
