How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Randomize