his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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