my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
is wine microwaveable?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
