My first STD was from a foam party
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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