Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
