My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
