you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize