Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
