Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
