Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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