i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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