Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
