Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
This is the high leading the old right now
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
