dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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