i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
