I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
