What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
