Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Randomize
