i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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