she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
