I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
