Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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