everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
