My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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