The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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