I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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