Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
