im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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