woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize