I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
