his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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