The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
