Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize