can we get nightvision for the apartment?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
